That's why people get married,
just so you know. Because the marriage vow says: I will not leave. Never. Whatever happens. Well, that creates boundaries
around our disputes. Because I can't say,
"whenever you show some fault, which you do as often as I do, we
break up." This is terrible, people.
If your whole life is, "Whenever you stumble, I'm leaving." First, you never admit
that you did something wrong.
Second, you'll be like a… scaredy cat for the entire relationship
because… who knows? It could end at any moment. People say that if you can get a divorce,
you are freer. That's what you really want – to be free, right?
Seriously? So you can't predict anything.
Is that what you're after? It's an oath. And it means, "Look… I know you've got problems. Me too. So we're not leaving. No matter what. That's a hell of an oath, isn't it?
But that's why you're taking it in front of people. That's why it's supposed to be a sacred act. What's the alternative? Everything can change at any time. Just go with it
and wait until you're fifty. God, it's tragic.
Two or three divorces,
your family is torn apart. No coherent story. And it's not good for the kids,
not in the least. It's like… voluntary slavery,
something like that. But it's also about accepting responsibility.
And it's more than that. If you can't run away,
then you can solve your problems. Maybe this is what happens:
"I'm stuck with you, so how about we solve the problems?" Because the alternative is we're boxing together for
another 40 years. That's the alternative. Do you think you're going to solve the problems without something like this hanging
over your head? Not at all. You're just going to avoid them.
Because it people do. It's very hard to solve problems,
especially in relationships. We fight and I find out that you were
abused by uncle k you were five or some damn thing. Such things happen very often. Your partner shows
some behavioral anomalies and you don't know how to interpret it.
It has nothing to do with you.
He doesn't want to talk about it.
He gets mad when you pull it out. Then you bring it up again
and he gets even more upset and says he won't talk about it
or leave. And maybe you'll hold on because you're a jerk
and then he'll break down and cry. And then they get that horrible memory
that comes flooding back, you don't know what to do with it
and you have to deal with it. Do you think you'll go through with it
if you don't have a good reason? You should know that you have to fix
this or you're going to drag it out for another 40 years.
That might be enough motivation
to really solve your problems. It's easier to say,
"Sorry, we're not going there." But then – well,
you'll have it every day, every damn day
for the rest of your life. Divorce has another problem
that people don't see when they are young. The idea that you can get divorced
when you have kids? That's a stupid idea
because you can't. You may find a limited replacement
for your original freedom. But if you have children
and want to divorce, the probability that it will ruin your life
is very high. First of all, it is incredibly expensive. One or both
of you will come out poor. Your "market price" will drop. Let's say you're a woman
who keeps the kids. Your market price has dropped radically.
You will be poorer. The man is screwed too. Because he is an indentured servant.
And there's no escaping it. And it's not so bad
if you can separate amicably, and someone can handle it, but often
when you're in a terrible relationship, it's not so easy to separate amicably. But if you're going after your neck,
good luck. I think that's the rough equivalent of a
non-fatal cancer. It's not pleasant.
It's a 10-15 year process.
It will cost you hundreds of thousands. And it will take a big chunk of your life. And it will also seriously damage the relationship
with your children. And when you bring kids
to a stepparent, they don't do so well. Step parents are not as good
as biological parents. And the data on that is clear.
Of course there are exceptions, as there are terrible biological parents
and great step-parents. But if you look at the average… It's not easy to take care of children. You need to be tied to them
as much as possible. And if they are someone else's children? They usually stand in the way of the person
you love. That? Let's say you have a child. And I want to ask you out. Every second you spend with your child
is a second you don't spend with me.
It will cost you something.
And I won't be happy about it. And if I had a child,
you would feel the exact same way. You can say, "I love children." Yo, sure. Of course it is. I doubt it. You can love your child. And people love children in a specific way. And the rate of child abuse by stepparents
is much higher than by biological parents. It cannot be compared at all..
